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Surviving Suicide

Dealing with death is difficult, especially if your loved one died as a result of suicide. As a survivor, you may feel alone in your suffering, unable to speak about the death. These feelings can complicate your grieving process.

It is important to understand that your grief may be more complex and intense. The over-whelming feelings of guilt, anger, fear and shame can be unrelenting.

Because suicide is often a sudden, unexpected and violent death, the grieving process is complicated and painful. Consider the following advice on how to deal with your loss.

TALK TO SOMEONE YOU TRUST.
After any death, it is helpful to talk about the person who died as well as the death itself. Realize that your loved one’s life was more than just the moment of his or her death. Find the kind of support you need, whether it is from a friend, your pastor or a support group.

SEEK COMPETENT, PROFESSIONAL HELP.
You may want to seek help from a professional counselor or therapist. This is a sign of strength, not weakness. It means you are wise enough to recognize you may need additional assistance to work through problems.

EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT TRAUMA AND GRIEF.
Realize that you will experience a variety of emotions and thoughts with a range of intensity. This is normal. Grant yourself permission to express your grief openly and naturally.

SEE YOUR DOCTOR FOR A COMPLETE PHYSICAL.
You may be affected by physical stress. You may need help to sleep or to cope with your overwhelming feelings. Be careful not to take medications as a means of coping, as it will not take away your grief. Also, get plenty of rest, eat nutritious foods and exercise regularly.

UNDERSTAND THAT PEOPLE GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY.
Each person will experience his or her own grief. Don’t compare yourself with others. You must proceed through your grief at your own pace. Seek legal and financial assistance as soon as possible if you are responsible for the estate of your loved one. Do not pay bills or cash checks without first verifying the legality of your actions. Gather all information you can about checking, savings and 401(k) accounts, insurance, bills, debts and assets. Contact your funeral director for more information on death certificates and coroner’s and police reports.

ACCEPT THAT IT’S OK TO BE ANGRY.
Being angry about the death or being angry with the person who died is normal. To properly deal with your anger, get spiritual guidance from someone you trust. Talk to others who have shared a similar experience and seek suggestions about how they coped.

FORGIVE OTHERS FOR ANY HURTFUL COMMENTS THEY MAY MAKE.
Most people do not realize how vulnerable you are and, in their efforts to comfort you, may say something you find hurtful. Realize that they simply do not know what to say and do not know that it is OK to say nothing.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO COME TO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING AND DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS ABOUT WHY YOUR LOVED ONE COMMITTED SUICIDE.
It may take months or years to achieve this level of understanding or meaning. For some, the answers may never be found. Allow yourself the time you need to work through the questions and doubts that trouble you.

— Adapted from an article by the members of the Survivors of Suicide Support Group at the Independence Regional Health Center, Independence, Mo.

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