My Papou,I will never forget the way you called my name when you would ask for ice or a back massage. I will never forget the way you hugged me, each and every time just a little weaker than the last. I will not forget the way you loved and how hard you loved everyone, despite their doings. I will always think of you as one of the strongest men in my life– even though you aren’t here.You were my first loss. I never knew a pain of such that would make my ribs ache and my stomach churn that it brought me. It still amazes me how it took your death to bring our family together– and how it would make us fall apart. Between the plans of the funeral and the ” I want this, I knew him more , he loved me more” arguments, I felt alone. Everything was spinning and I was in the middle– completely and utterly alone.Less than two weeks later , my Pawpaw was taken too. He apparently came home and left peacefully — but the “ peace “ never made sense to me. How can someone leave this world in peace knowing they would crush everyone else around them?I was twelve when you passed. I could never bring myself to use the “d” word, because it would really seem like you were gone, and I didn’t want that. With every single day that passed, I felt my heart sink more and more.The first time I spoke of you to anyone I was 14. Now, closer to sixteen than anything, I don’t regret anything I said except the way I described it : “ {You} My Papou had died when I was in seventh grade”. I hadn’t come to terms with it, even now, as a sophomore.Looking back to seventh grade, I was in an inevitable, wild storm that knocked me down, blow after blow. Vividly I recall my mother looking through my closet and holding a grey dress ( which I had worn the day you passed unknowingly ) and told me “ this would be nice for a funeral”.Thanksgiving isn’t the same. Dances aren’t the same. Greek lifestyles aren’t the same without you. It tears me apart every time that you won’t be there when I get married, or when I start my own family. You won’t be there to meet any of my boyfriends or for any more family dinners.
I love and miss you always,Your MK.
